Brief note, this metric is a cure for: hipsterness, too-cool-for-school-ness and basic stuck-uppery regarding music and all things pop culture.

There is a small, simple metric I use to judge whether a musical act is worthy of existing. Have they created 2 songs I thoroughly (I mean deep tissue massage thorough) enjoy? It’s called the Foo Fighters metric.

From my perspective, The Foo Fighters have never proven their worthiness to exist. Even as a innocent tween in the early 90′s, when Nirvana ended I was like, “what the fuck, Dave Grohl?”. Needless to say, I have never enjoyed a single Foo Fighters song to the point where I can say “this is excellent. I’m going to purchase this song or at least remember it so at some point in the future I may play it for my own pleasure without much ado”. Your personal feelings about the Foo Fighters aside, feel free to use this metric when smugly deciding the fate of any recording artist in existence (myself included).

Slight addendum: this metric can work on a scale. If the artist in question has a Motley Crue-level back catalogue of bullshit, the 2 songs you enjoy may have to be THAT much stronger, to sustain the amount of mass needed to keep them in orbit before there decades of bullshit pull them into a firey, merciless sun…or something like that, I’m not sure how physics works in space, or in general.

From this metric, let me share with you a brief list of artists that are suprisingly worthy of existance:

George Michaels (Wham material included)
David Guetta (for all his potential evil “I Gotta Feeling” is the best of pop-catchery and “Sexy Bitch” is the most unintentionally hilarious chorus I’ve ever heard on the radio)
Sonny and Cher
7 Mary 3
Death From Above 1978 (perhaps not surprising that they should exist, but that I like their music, given the other artists mentioned here)

And some who are not:
Nickelback
Pitbull
3 Doors Down
Fat Joe
Marcy Playground

Now, when applying this metric, you may notice a slight tug at your once callused heart. To allow say, Wham, to exist you have to put up with all the other terrible music they sweated out so profusely from their technicolor jumpsuits. Surely this is the inherent weakness in my metric, you say. And much like all my answers at a job interview, i say, “my weakness is my strength”. Let me explain.

This metric allows the listener to come to terms with what music they truthfully find worthwhile. If you like two George Michael songs EVER you have to secceed the fact that he should exist and come to terms with what that means for you respective masculinity/femininity/coherent sense-of-self. If your world quickly starts to crumble DO NOT CONTINUE to use this metric. Go back to making your hot pockets and listening to whatever you think your friends think you should like.

If however, when using this metric, you notice yourself complimenting others more often, maintaining healthy eye contact and not being a stuck up cunt about rocking out (HARD) to Carly Simon during rush hour, welcome. You have just joined the enlightened few who know there’s no such thing as a “guilty pleasure”. Now wrap up in your snuggie and get ready for that Real Housewives marathon.

Is David Guetta evil?

Whether you listen to pop music or not you are affected by it. As much as you might try to avoid it it is all around you, like the smell eminating from your roommates unwashed laundry bin. You can shrug it off, stew with anger and lash out passive aggressively or you can step right up and face it. This is my attempt to face the unwashed-laundry that is the music of David Guetta.

You may recognize his songs (most famously: BEP’s “I Gotta Feeling”  , Akon “Sexy Bitch” , Rihanna “Who’s That Chick?” ) but either way you are probably familiar with his sound. Whether he’s produced it or not his techno infused pop music is everywhere on the charts, threatening world peace and even Usher’s career.

Brief aside: Usher was always an innovator, ahead of or just-on-the-edge of the current sound of pop/r&b. Until his last album which was filled with much Guetta-esque bullshittery. In terms of sound, he jumped on the techno-meets-pop bandwagon and his relevance sagged as a result. Ultimately, he’s still Usher but his last album was probably the largest artistic mis-step of his career.

This isn’t to say David Guetta was directly related in what may be called Usher’s musical missteps but rather, Guetta plays a central role in the state of pop music today. As he puts it it’s about…”this whole movement of creating this bridge between…urban and electronic music”. (Source) Whether that bridge was ever asked for or if it will remain un-burned-down after the fad of the moment has passed is yet to be seen, but we can rest assured, it is currently being built, and Guetta is one of the prime architects.

Back to the bullshit. You can probably hear it now: four on the floor kick drum, one million synths pulsing at a nearly unbearable BPM, auto tune to the tits and lyrics so escapist they would make a Jerry Bruckheimer script blush. This is, for better or worse, the current state of pop radio. It’s what bumps in the clubs, it’s on B96 and KDWB and most importantly for “pop” status, it is what teenage girls listen to. And I should know, I hang out with a lot of teenage girls.

So where does David Guetta stand in the current Mad Max landscape of pop music? With it’s Kesha’s and it’s Soulja Boys roaming the now dried and deserted plains ravaging eachother for a chance to devour the few remaining, innocent teen souls? He stands right in the goddamn middle…but is he evil?

Quickly side stepping centuries of philosophical and theological debate I’m going to posit this: Evil is determined by injury and intent. How much damage (injury) was caused by one’s acts? How much were those acts intentional?

In this case, the amount of damage Dave Guetta has done to the world looks something like this

David Guetta's music

But ultimately, it’s not his fault we’re listening to this bullshit, or maybe it is – perhaps that’s a debate for another article, one that ponders the very nature of free will. I can say his art design is his fault and he should be held accountable for every seizure it induces, along with all accompanying hospital bills. This is America after all, land of medical bills and litigation.

So if his music causes atomic-bomb-amounts of damage to the world but we (or someone at least) keeps listenting to this shit regardless, David Guetta is not Evil. He’s doing his thing and he seems to be having a good time with it. Also, I saw this video on line a little while back which gives him one extra gold star in my book but that is all! Only one gold star and half of it goes to Keenan Cahill anyway.

So if David Guetta isn’t evil what is he? Well this leads me to the query pondered in my next blog post. Does David Guetta deserve to exist? His fate, along with the fate of several other questionable musical acts, will be determined tomorrow in… The Foo Fighters Metric.

When I get a medical bill that isn’t covered by my insurance because all my benefits are deferred for the first year of my employment…at a temp agency. When I get a ticket on my windshield for expired tabs the afternoon that I renewed them on-line because I can afford a car (sort of) but not the privilege of off-street parking. When I can’t take a day off because I don’t receive PTO and I have to worry about how I’ll make it back home for my uncle’s funeral and still make rent. When I see my student loan bills. When I get laid off in the “Great Recession” and have nearly a year-long gap in my young employment history.

When I see my girl work two jobs to have $20 for herself at the end of the week. When I see my mom working 60+ hours/week right after they reduce her pay and cut her benefits as an educator. When my brother can get fired for any reason his employer chooses because they’ve devalued his work so greatly as to make him disposable. When I see powerful coroporations align with Governor’s all across the country to take what little remains of our rights as workers away.

That’s when I think of this song and thank god for Charles Bradley who, if only for the color of his skin, has very likely had a harder time then I trying to…”make it in America”.

9 pm: Show “starts”. Me and 2 well groomed gentlemen met two other less well groomed gentlemen at The Joint, the biker bar right next door to the Cabooze, which inexplicably is both connected to the Cabooze and serves cheaper drinks then the Cabooze.
 
Conversation that follows: “Man, this show is gonna be awesome, Saigon is the shit” “Yeah, Saigon is the shit” “Yeah”
 
3 PBRs later, or 1030.
 
First act goes on. Wordy, fast rapping white dude and his partner, a less good version of him. White guy has lots of energy making his movements sporadic.
My inner thoughts: “wow, this is boring and not very good. Good things it’s only the first opener tonight, I’m sure the acts will improve over time”.
 
Tequila minutes later…
 
Second act goes on. There are 7 men on stage. 3 have microphones. Some of them trade off being on stage and being in the first row (the only row) of the crowd looking at the stage and getting hype. Their songs have all the bad qualities of Southern club music (lazy rhymes, talk of bling and hoes without evidence of either, annoying chants) without any of the good qualities (see: bad qualities, but done well).
 
PBR and attempted pizza slice later…
 
Third act goes on. He wants to be Young Jeezy but he is too late, Young Jeezy already exists and is better. Better then 2nd act. First act looking better with each following act.
 
PBRandasdafgmedfkvsmodfkv later…
 
Fourth opening act goes on. It is now 11:45 pm. The fourth opening act is just taking the stage. Did i mention it’s basically midnight?
 
Conversation:
“this act is the worst”
“why?”
“most predictable = most boring”
“agreed, i’m going to leave”.
 
12:30
 
I leave in a taxi and go home. Saigon has still not gone on. I’m a grown man who has to work in the morning. I don’t got (paid) time (off) to put up with this shit.
 
Dear Hip Hop,

or rather,

local Hip Hop Promoters,

Can you please not have 8 opening acts before national acts? Or can they at least be somewhat inspiring? If not inspiring can they be entertaining?
 
By the end of the night, the first act, which took freestyle topic ideas from the audience and had a rap that included both “Larry David” and “the Dali Lama”, actually turned out to be the best of the night.
 
They were the most inspiring because they were different. I don’t want to hear about the bling you are CLEARLY NOT WEARING. I don’t want to hear a Dilated Peoples cover group. And if you have 7 people on stage everyone should have a microphone. Unless you’re that guy at the Ghostface show I went to who drank an entire liter of alcohol and smoked blunts on stage, which was his only descernable responsibility. THAT guy can do whatever the fuck he wants.
 
Remember kids, follow your weirdest, most ridiculous ideas out to the fullest extent. It’s working for Odd Future. In fact, even just having ideas is a start. And if your stuck for ideas, look at your life and talk about it. Nothing is better then the truth, whatever that truth may be. It’s why Saigon is the headlining act and these amateurs are not.
 
Sincerely,
VTK