SO…I’ve never done this before but here’s a review of a FUCKING CRAZY MOVIE I SAW LAST NIGHT.
The story was well written, you can tell it’s based off a novel, in a good way: themes, motifs, deep shit, well written narration gets the ball rolling. So rather then review how good/bad it was (i thought it was really good, but i’m FUCKING CRAZY). I’ll just give a synopsis since you will likely never cross paths with this film.
Synopsis:
Dude is born in 1700′s France to a poor mother. Dude can smell really good, super heightened sense of smell. He’s also FUCKING CRAZY. Grows up in orphanage, sold to work at a tannery. So far pretty standard 1700′s France type shit (how the hell would I know).
Dude goes into Paris one day, smells a girl. Accidentally kills her, smells her dead body, digs it. Runs into DUSTIN HOFFMAN who is a perfumer in 1700′s France. Says, “Yo boss, let me make perfumes with you”. DUSTIN FUCKING HOFFMAN says, “Hell yea you crazy ass hole. You can smell real good, I’ll buy you to work for me”. Dude is hired.
Dude tries to distill a fucking cat. Cat dies. Dude is pissed he can’t DISTILL A FUCKING CAT. Leaves DUSTIN HOFFMAN. Goes to “Grass” France to study a different way to extract scents from things, no one remembers what this technique is called (“no one” being me). Kills another girl, wraps her in fat, strips said fat off of her, boils it down into a FUCKING PERFUME INGREDIENT. Apparently you need 13 ingredients to make a kick ass perfume so of course he has to… KILL 13 WOMEN.
Dude kills like a dozen French bitches in a sweet montage. Runs into ALAN RICKMAN who is the dad of the lady this dude REALLY wants to kill and extract her scent. So far, pretty standard 1700′s France type shit.
ALAN RICKMAN and his daughter run away. Dude tracks her with his powerful ass sense of smell. Kills girl, extracts her scent. They catch dude, get ready to kill the shit out of him by breaking all his bones and leaving him on a cross. HARD CORE.
Instead, he takes this DEAD LADY PERFUME MADE OF 13 DEAD LADIES and puts it on himself. No one can kill him. They call him an angel and immediately fall in love with him. He sprays that shit on the crowd that gathered to see him get executed and they FUCKING LOVE IT, break out into a huge orgy. Then dude dips in some fancy slippers, says, “I own the power to make everyone fall in love but I can never be loved myself”. Says, “Fuck the whole world”.
Goes back to where he is born, pours the DEAD FUCKING LADY PERFUME all over himself and a bunch of homeless people eat him…because they love him so much and can’t resist. End of movie. Yea, that’s how it ends. Dude gets eaten by a bunch of homeless people. Pretty standard 1700′s France type shit, from what I can tell from 1700′s France from this movie.
Conclusion:
All around, B+. The + is for FUCKING CRAZY. The B is for “still infinitely more watchable then Irreversible”.
